Need to get this out before explode!

Chris's sister has had her baby. It's a girl. I feel so relieved!

I don't understand why, but I can't cope with being close to baby boys. Of course my baby was a boy, and it must stem from that, but I don't know why it bothers me so much! 49% of the population are male, I'm going to come across them every day, but I just can't even think about the little ones. Perhaps I see my boy in them, or I see what I'll never have (my boy that is, I can, as far as I know, still have children). I hate it when people try to say the 'right' thing, 'you'll have another' or 'it wasn't meant to be', well I don't want a replacement, and it was meant to be, or I wouldn't have been pregnant at all! I get looks when I get upset too, like people are thinking I should be' over it by now (it's been three and a half years) or that I shouldn't be upset because I had an abortion-cos people who do that obviously didn't want the baby they planned! >_>

I don't understand why I feel the way I do, and I don't understand the way people see me and judge what I did.

As for Chris's new niece, I still don't want to see her, I have a feeling his sister might not be feeling too great towards me after I ran out on Xmas day...



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