Why do I bother?!

I blogged here a few months ago about Chris's sister having a baby. She whined and moaned about me not wanting to see her and the baby because of my own loss, even claimed she felt she was losing a friend (we have never been close at all! If I was such a good friend, why wasn't I invited to her hen party? Or her birthday?!)

When the baby was born it was me that went out and bought cards for her and her husband, and for her step daughter so she wouldn't feel left out of it all.
Anyway, all her winging was causing problems between her and Chris, so I forced my self to go, it was ok, no one forced the baby on me, I wasn't happy, but I was ok.

A few weeks later she said she wanted some cardis and blankets knitted, so I said I'd ask my mum, she loves to knit, and was happy to do it, so I was able to 'fill her order' Mum did it all for free, didn't even ask for money for the wool, though I did offer to buy it so she wouldn't be out if pocket.

This morning Chris phoned her to invite her to a BBQ, but she won't come because I don't 'acknowledge' her baby! What happened to not wanting to lose a friend?! Were the cards, clothes and blankets not acknowledging her?!

I am fuming! I know I may not be coping with my loss as well as I could be, I know it's been 4 years and I should be better at this by now, but I'm not. If I'd had another baby of my own, if I'd not had to watch my nephew, who is exactly the age my boy should be, growing up, if I were better able to talk to people about how I feel, then maybe I would be better, but I'm not. I'm the who has endured 4 years of continuous heartache, yet I'm still the one who has to jump through hoops to make HER happy! I'm not doing it anymore. No-one is telling me how to deal with my grief, or what I should or shouldn't be feeling anymore. I'm not 'wallowing' or 'hating on' people as some people have tried to say, I am me, and I have a hell of a lot to deal with, accept it, or fuck off!



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